Humor

Philosophers to Celebrate Centennial

On Wednesday, December 18th, the centennial anniversary banquet of the Florida League Of Philosophers will be held in Clearwater. What began in 1919 as a gathering of over 100 of The Sunshine State’s brightest minds has declined to less than a dozen, the result of increased brain temperatures attributed to global warming.

“Speaking of global warming, Al Gore was our speaker last year,” said Rene Day Cart, CEO of FLOP. “However, because we applaud speakers with only one hand clapping, he decided not to return.”

Originally, membership was screened by asking applicants if they knew the difference between Confucius and Charlie Crist. However, with the blurring of such a comparison in recent years, FLOP has elected to become more broad-based.

“We’re now encouraging applications from people who can tell the difference between a picture of Senator Mitch McConnell and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi,” said Heiress Tottle, membership chair. “It’s not as easy as one might think.”

The site of the centennial banquet will be held at the third row, seats 2-24 at the Clearwater Bus Terminal.

“We’d hoped to stage the banquet at Doak Campbell Stadium in Tallahassee, but after the Miami Hurricanes defeated the FSU Seminoles there last month, no one comes here anymore,” said Stadium Manager Connie Fewshus.

After-dinner entertainment will be provided by Mack E. Avally, who will sing his hit song “Kant Buy Me Love” accompanied by flutist Boo Duh and the Voel Tare Volunteer Choir.

Attendees will be encouraged to provide philosophical quotes. Third prize is two Tampa Bay Buccaneers season tickets. Second prize is one season ticket. The first-prize winner doesn’t have to attend any games.

Here’s a sampling of last year’s winning entries:

  • If only the good die young, what does that say about our seniors?
  • A bounced check a day keeps the doctor away.
  • The force that through the green bankroll drives my soul.
  • She might look like Admiral Ackbar’s daughter, but she sure can cook.
  • A rolling stone ain’t got no satisfaction.
  • Don’t put all your eggs in one basket unless it’s Easter.
  • When you wish upon a star, the availability of oxygen does make a difference where you are.
  • Love conquers all except when money is involved.
  • Thou shalt love thy neighbor, especially if he or she owns a boat.
  • If you put aside a penny and each day double that amount, by the end of the month no bank will accept that many pennies.
  • If you have an ugly nose, it might not be a bad idea to cut if off to spite your face.
  • The lottery is fate’s way of constantly reminding you of how unlucky you are.

To qualify as a member of FLOP, arrive at the centennial banquet with your checkbook and be ready to debate this question: “If Joe Biden fell in the forest and there was no one around to hear it, what difference would it make?”

Photo by Rob Schreckhise on Unsplash

Leave a Reply