We’ve all been there—stuck behind a lineup of vehicles in the cash-only lanes of the Garden State Parkway or New Jersey Turnpike, regretting every life choice that led us to this point. It’s a battlefield out there, and you’re not just fighting the clock; you’re battling a parade of drivers who, let’s face it, make paying a toll look like a Broadway production. Here’s why you should avoid those cash-only lanes like you avoid eye contact with your high school ex at the grocery store:
1. The “Forgot-They-Had-to-Pay” Guy
This person knew the toll amount way before they left the house. They probably even rehearsed it. But the moment of truth arrives, and suddenly they’re emptying their glove compartment, checking pockets, and even doing that awkward, seat-lean shuffle to find a wallet that’s clearly not there. Now you’re sitting there, watching someone rummage like they’re looking for the Holy Grail instead of a $5 bill. Why? Just why?
2. The Human GPS
Some folks apparently think that the toll collector is the New Jersey version of Google Maps. Even though they’ve got a high-end navigation system glowing right in front of them, they’ll still lean out their window and ask the poor toll collector, “Is this the fastest way to exit 14?” News flash: That collector knows one thing, and it’s how to make change for a $20, not how to get you to Aunt Linda’s barbecue in the least amount of time.
3. The Toll-Booth Therapist
For these drivers, every toll collector is just one small payment away from being their new BFF. They aren’t just paying a toll—they’re catching up, spilling their life story, and probably asking the collector for restaurant recommendations. They’ve got time, and apparently, zero awareness of the 15 cars stuck behind them. All you can do is look ahead and hope that your tank doesn’t run dry before they finally wrap up their TED Talk.
4. The Great Lane Gamble
You think you’ve chosen wisely—a short line that looks like it’ll breeze through. But before you know it, the cars in the longer line are flying by, and your line hasn’t budged an inch. Why? Because cash lanes aren’t a matter of simple math; they’re an unpredictable black hole of delays, starring the exact type of people we’re talking about. It’s like the New Jersey Turnpike version of The Hunger Games, and you are losing.
5. The Post-Payment Diva
There’s always that one person who, after paying, needs to get their entire life in order before they can drive off. They carefully put their wallet away, roll up their window like it’s the final scene of a drama, and slowly adjust their mirror as if they’re about to launch into a monologue. Then, as they inch forward like a turtle on tranquilizers, you’re left screaming inside, desperately wishing you were anywhere else.
Moral of the story? Save yourself the headaches and sign up for EZPass already. You’ve got better things to do than be a background character in this toll-lane soap opera.
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