Over the years as a journalist, I’ve kept a file on my favorite gaffes & goofs from well-meaning writers, announcers and advertisers. See if you get a few LOLs from some of these.
Headlines
Fighting Puts Talks in Jeopardy
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
National Hunting Group Targeting Women
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
War Dims Hope for Peace
Obesity Study Looks for Larger Test Group
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
Five-year-old Receives Plague for His Victory
Topless Beaches, Bottomless Reefs
Misspellings
While in the emergency room she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
I threw my cast net and netted a school of shriners.
Please excuse Rachel for not showing up yesterday, she was in bed with gramps.
When around raccoons, always be mindful of rabbis.
This is me holding a stringer of strippers.
I like the turbines Mid-Easterners wear.
I can do any type of work, even widows.
He was a former nasal hero.
Thanks for your submission, but it does not fit our current nerds at this time.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Fly-casting lessons provided for a nominal feel.
Florida is now number one in erotic species.
This author really knows how to spin a yawn.
I’ve been instrumental in ruining an entire operation for a Midwest company.
I’m a porn-again Christian.
Inadvisable Word Choices
My favorite song is “Heaving on a Jet Plane.”
As we plodded through the swamp, swarms of misquotes kept biting us.
I fell into a deep thought when suddenly a big fish struck and broke my constipation.
I’ve been writing for a newspaper that is disturbing to over 100,000 subscribers.
People associated with our organization are illegible to win a prize.
He had a photogenic mind.
A monkey has a reprehensible tail.
Pollution is a problem that plagiarizes all of us.
It was an uninhibited island.
Some subjects receive medicine while others are given placentas.
I woke up unconscious.
My downfall was going up the ladder.
She earned a birth in the finals.
Your check bounced due to insignificant funds.
Having only one spouse is called monotony.
Let me ask a point blunt question.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, authored the Declaration of Independence.
My dad said he saw four bald egos.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the community college. Please use the double doors at the side entrance.
I always admired his self-defecating humor.
Misplaced Modifiers & Mutilated Meanings
I have a computer, fishing gear and a camera with an outgoing personality.
He’s bilingual in four languages.
Early Bird Special: Women dine half price when accompanied by a man of equal or lesser value.
Assembly is simple providing you have a flat head and a Phillips screwdriver.
The food was so good that I cleaned my plate with relish.
My experience working with animals includes working in dog kennels and cat houses.
Barber shop sign: During remodeling we will shave you in the rear.
Capt. Anderson is hoping that his past is behind him.
All the lady anglers were scored separately.
Fractured Cliches
He was speaking off the top of his hat.
The hand of man has never set foot here.
The fish were biting like hotcakes.
Do unto others as you would have them do under you.
I realized that I was impaled on the horns of an enema.
You can’t get blood out of a tourniquet.
You’ve buttered your bread, now lie in it.
She was good at overcoming diversity.
He ended up with his legs tucked between his tail.
Lame Descriptions
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
He gets up at six every morning regardless of what time it is.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
It stood out like a red pimple on a white stallion.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
The gauge was about the length and width of a rectal thermometer.
Wacky Ads
Black lab for sale – eats anything and is fond of children.
We will service your reels and adjust tension in your home.
8-week-old Damnation puppies for sale.
Great dames for sale.
Now accepting applications from cooks between 2 and 5.
Stock up and save. Limit: 1.
If your purchase is not satisfactory, we’ll replace it with a smile.
For sale: 26-foot runabout, one loaded owner with removable top.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in good condition.
This jacket is especially suited for breaking wind.
Wanted: Man to take care of a cow that does not smoke or drink.
Andrews Outfitters offers a rare opportunity to goose hunters.
Seeking a party-time position.
Lost: Small poodle, neutered, like one of the family.
For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Do you have a few good bloopers of your own? Send them to Kelly Kelly and we might do a “Bloopers 2” down the road. And, I thank you from the heart of my bottom.
