Doug KellyHumor

Literary Outtakes and Bloopers

Over the years as a journalist, I’ve kept a file on my favorite gaffes & goofs from well-meaning writers, announcers and advertisers. See if you get a few LOLs from some of these.

Headlines

Fighting Puts Talks in Jeopardy

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Maarten Van Den Heuvel on UnSplash

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

National Hunting Group Targeting Women

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Chris Curry on UnSplash

War Dims Hope for Peace

Obesity Study Looks for Larger Test Group

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Brooke Lark on UnSplash

Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

Five-year-old Receives Plague for His Victory

Topless Beaches, Bottomless Reefs

Q.U.I on UnSplash

 

Misspellings

While in the emergency room she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

I threw my cast net and netted a school of shriners.

Pietro Caspani on UnSplash

Please excuse Rachel for not showing up yesterday, she was in bed with gramps.

When around raccoons, always be mindful of rabbis.

Alan Alquist on UnSplash

This is me holding a stringer of strippers.

I like the turbines Mid-Easterners wear.

RawFilm on UnSplash

I can do any type of work, even widows.

He was a former nasal hero.

Thanks for your submission, but it does not fit our current nerds at this time.

Ying Ge on UnSplash

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Fly-casting lessons provided for a nominal feel.

Florida is now number one in erotic species.

This author really knows how to spin a yawn.

Timo Volz on UnSplash

I’ve been instrumental in ruining an entire operation for a Midwest company.

I’m a porn-again Christian.

 

Inadvisable Word Choices

My favorite song is “Heaving on a Jet Plane.”

As we plodded through the swamp, swarms of misquotes kept biting us.

James Morden on UnSplash

I fell into a deep thought when suddenly a big fish struck and broke my constipation.

I’ve been writing for a newspaper that is disturbing to over 100,000 subscribers.

Kelly S. Kelly

People associated with our organization are illegible to win a prize.

He had a photogenic mind.

A monkey has a reprehensible tail.

Oliver Guillard on UnSplash

Pollution is a problem that plagiarizes all of us.

It was an uninhibited island.

Sebastian Pena Lambarri on UnSplash

Some subjects receive medicine while others are given placentas.

I woke up unconscious.

My downfall was going up the ladder.

Ethan Johnson on UnSplash

She earned a birth in the finals.

Your check bounced due to insignificant funds.

Having only one spouse is called monotony.

Shot by Cerqueir on UnSplash

Let me ask a point blunt question.

Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, authored the Declaration of Independence.

Library of Congress on UnSplash

My dad said he saw four bald egos.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the community college. Please use the double doors at the side entrance.

Ari Spada on UnSplash

I always admired his self-defecating humor.

 

Misplaced Modifiers & Mutilated Meanings

I have a computer, fishing gear and a camera with an outgoing personality.

Julius Drost on UnSplash

He’s bilingual in four languages.

Early Bird Special: Women dine half price when accompanied by a man of equal or lesser value.

Kelly S. Kelly

Assembly is simple providing you have a flat head and a Phillips screwdriver.

The food was so good that I cleaned my plate with relish.

Milada Vigerova on UnSplash

My experience working with animals includes working in dog kennels and cat houses.

Barber shop sign: During remodeling we will shave you in the rear.

Dan Gold on UnSplash

Capt. Anderson is hoping that his past is behind him.

All the lady anglers were scored separately.

 

Fractured Cliches

He was speaking off the top of his hat.

The hand of man has never set foot here.

The fish were biting like hotcakes.

Chad Montano on UnSplash

Do unto others as you would have them do under you.

I realized that I was impaled on the horns of an enema.

You can’t get blood out of a tourniquet.

You’ve buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Brett Jordan on UnSplash

She was good at overcoming diversity.

He ended up with his legs tucked between his tail.

 

Lame Descriptions 

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

Gage Walker on UnSplash

He gets up at six every morning regardless of what time it is.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

Todd Quackenbus on UnSplash

It stood out like a red pimple on a white stallion.

Helena Lopes on UnSplash

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

The gauge was about the length and width of a rectal thermometer.

 

Wacky Ads

Black lab for sale – eats anything and is fond of children.

Mac Gaither on UnSplash

We will service your reels and adjust tension in your home.

8-week-old Damnation puppies for sale.

Great dames for sale.

Freestocks on UnSplash

Now accepting applications from cooks between 2 and 5.

Stock up and save. Limit: 1.

If your purchase is not satisfactory, we’ll replace it with a smile.

Frank McKenna on UnSplash

For sale: 26-foot runabout, one loaded owner with removable top.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in good condition.

Anna Docking on UnSplash

This jacket is especially suited for breaking wind.

Wanted: Man to take care of a cow that does not smoke or drink.

Ehoarn Desmas on UnSplash

Andrews Outfitters offers a rare opportunity to goose hunters.

Seeking a party-time position.

Miguel Teirlinck on UnSplash

Lost: Small poodle, neutered, like one of the family.

Dena Simard on UnSplash

For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Do you have a few good bloopers of your own? Send them to Kelly Kelly and we might do a “Bloopers 2” down the road. And, I thank you from the heart of my bottom.

Lidya Nada on UnSplash

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