Doug KellyHumorNew Year's Day

Some Really NEW New Year’s Resolutions

By Doug Kelly

Yes, yes, I know all about the typical promises to lose weight next year.

Natasha Spenser on Pixabay

Here’s my pattern: It starts with I’m-gonna-do-it-this-time determination followed by aw-to-hell-with-it capitulation the moment I face a chicken parm sub.

So, instead of the traditional list of false expectations that have as much chance of being kept as hitting back-to-back lottery jackpots, I’m going to make it easier on you and I so we can live guilt-free in 2021. Let’s all adopt the following New Year’s resolutions:

·      Have a goal of gaining 40 pounds. That way, if we only gain 30 we’ll be 10 pounds ahead of the game.

Vidmar Raic on Pixabay

·      Similarly, let’s make up a story about how much weight we’ve lost so far on a Keto diet and give daily updates about it on Facebook.

Vidmar Raic on Pixabay

·      Limit daily exercise to getting out of bed. Anything over and above that should be considered too much wear and tear on our bodies.

Oliver on UnSplash

·      Spend money like there’s no tomorrow. When we can’t repay the credit cards, we’ll move to a country with no extradition treaty.

Felix Wolf on Pixabay

·      Say what we really think and let the cards fall where they may. This will make up for all the years we’ve bitten our tongues when someone blabbers on about politicians and issues we detest.

·      Get back at social media braggers by posting our own boasts about make-believe trips to Bora Bora and Switzerland.

Julius Silver on Pixabay

·      Tell our kids that from now on, they have to pay their own damn bills.

Michael Schuler on Pixabay

·      During blizzards up north, remind snowbirds that Clearwater is rated the No. 1 Beach in America.

Pexels on Pixabay

·      Tell those we owe money that if we knew they wanted their money back, we wouldn’t have borrowed it in the first place.

pasja1000 on Pixabay

Granted, those new resolutions may land us in hot water, but I’ll take that any day to cold water. Besides, we all know that 2020 has been an extremely stressful year – let’s be easier and kinder on ourselves in 2021 with new New Year’s resolutions.

Feature image by Capri23auto on Pixabay

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